Day 19: Sorry myself for denying my own feeling. Feeling isn’t ‘wrong’.


I am quite doupt for myself again, Since I think that my feeling to him isn’t exists. I feel weird. Like part of me being pulled out, But why? At this Monday I just going so happy for celebrating I got a new Bestie, and why did my emotion still coming back again? When I thinking about my sucess, I still try to associate it with him. I tried not to, but I still.

I can’t help.

I don’t want to think about him anymore, because in the end it might hurt even more. I had minimize the hurt by reframing myself ‘ I didn’t like him at all’, even say to him the same thing. I had been convinced at that time, but sometimes I feel things isn’t so simple within me. I wanted to just sees him as my sister/brother. I remembered at that time when I apologize to him, the feeling of lightness and stressless are so clear. I said to myself, I finally free from my mind.

I am not sure whether the urge to thinking about him or when I discover something about him, is it just my habit? This time I will distract myself, and say that I actually don’t like him.

Well, let’s just admit. the feeling I have for him before this is real. At least I admit it. I allow myself to have emotions, even it’s a bad idea to have crush on him before this. Whatever it is, the feeling is on me. The circumstances, the outer world can’t deny my emotion. Just I can choose how I react with my emotion. I think this is the first step of accepting myself, a part of self-concept.

Anyway, let’s work on my self concept first. I’m tired to think about him anymore. Thinking about me and how I am the creation of the divine (I am close to the sky), makes me feel good.

I believe if anything, the universe will do their work.


Alyssa Written by: