Day 10: The untold secret about shame and guilt

Challenging what I always think it’s bad and observation on my thoughts.

There is only two real emotions, love and fear. I think I mostly live in fear and I always think that being in fear is rational because fear made us to be secure and careful, but love only make us unpredictable and impulsive (sometimes everything we did out of love is unrealistic).

My entire life live in judgmental and guilt. The fear of being wrong had dominates me. Even just by doing something I like or I choose to do nothing, the first emotion I feel is ‘what if I wasting my time for another day?’ ‘What if this lead to failure?’.

I observe, the guilt feeling often accompany with the image of someone (usually people that is from a higher authority (my mom or my relatives etc,). For everything, every decision that I do, whether it’s about making some choices or behavior that makes me ‘bad’. It all accompanied with the same internal representation (someone will ‘talk’ about me). Then I know that these are not really the universal judgement ruler of everything, it is just come from my relatives. I still feelthe shame, and sometimes it causes some discomfort in me such as sweating, mind freeze, nervous tense, feel cold.

Alright let take out an example that I experience today (today I didn’t do anything interms of creating content of any progress work– which is still okay as this is within 21 days). So I came across Mel Robbin podcast and she is hosting something about SEX. Since in NLP class out trainer said that the two thing that the society didn’t talk about is money and SEX, and also our culture we think that if we talk about it (or even just think about it, we are evil. So I decided to click in and let’s explore. And another thing is that I think since I’m being single since born, it is not my role that I ‘can’ listen to this. Take note on the work I use, ‘can’ instead of ‘need’, which means this is subconsciously surrounded around my moral value instead of human nature. But hey, I wonder why did this started to become something about moral, it’s just human needs right?

And since this is also the big barrier on my for the recent days, I always think that I am single since born, so that the first X need to keep for the only one person. This makes me feel that I need that So I fear to admit that I am single since born, But if now we live in a world where love and sex is separate, I think female will be less victimized. Because you don’t need to wait until your prince charming come in order to have that, and if you ‘accidentally’ having it with someone else, there is no loss on you (of course la, make sure you don’t get pregnant and AIDS — these are the only biggest concern).

For this I suddenly have some ideas (just some idea not necessary to be a suggestion), is it possible if someone just make out casually on order to learn and get to know about themselves more (I think the podcast had offer a solution about this — the masturbation for solo SEX). And also because sometimes people tend to scared away if someone is virgin. So I kind of thinking if there is one day when I go overseas, perhaps I can make some? Also I wonder if guys can separate sex with love, why can’t female? Because this is so unfair because it’s like if you have sex with someone, you need to make sure you are commited to them (and also make sure they love you), or else

I think this is what makes currently why so much people shy away with expressing their thoughts or affection. Because here is it, I used to think that expressing affection > enquire to be together > committed relationship (because this means at some point you need to have sex with them and that also means ‘a booking with your whole life’) so there is no undoing work! This makes relationship so damn complex and embarrassed. Because also, if thing doesn’t work out, it will lead to guilt.

I always have fear towards dominant males (currently even worst, I fear majority of males) because I subconsciously fear that they will force me to do that in the end. And from what I had been taught, if you lost that you lost everything, so you need to be careful and PICK carefully! Anyway when I think about it, I still have the vision where my mother and all my relatives, or my friend will talk behind me with disgust. And I am the ‘dirty’ girl if I think about this.

Well, now I be more comfortable by writing the SEX thing, even type it out. I think this is what we need is to slowly expose ourself into thing that we used to judge/fear, and really look at it ‘is it really something about the evil, or it’s just the society perception?” Just treat it neutrally and don’t let my past cultural influence . Really, the more we think that it’s evil, we tend to run away for it. And in the end you won’t know anything about it and that ignorance will cause more harm than help. Instead just study it like a knowledge, there is no wrong by gaining knowledge, right?


Meanwhile something about the crush. I think that since I had promise myself in this 21 days it will be experimenting with manifestation and just do what that makes me feel good. So although I think that I should detach with the desire. But let’s just manifest, since this is my resting period and I can optimise the days to do something that unrelated with my work and career).

I know my judgement IR appears again, is the image where everyone critics me ‘hey why did you give up the whole forest just for a tree’ ‘he is a gay’ ‘you looks stupid’ ‘you are ruining your own life’.

And see the pattern? What I fear the most isn’t anything, but just the word of others.

So I asked myself, why my heart don’t want to give up and why I feel happy if I can be together with him. The answer from my heart is ‘because I don’t want a romantic story that is so ordinary, I like when the story is filled with plot twist. Because I want a romantic relationship with a people that I know for a long time. Looking for someone new really don’t sounds interesting to me. And I just feel there is something await to reveal, you’ve not done yet.

But what good about when I made the decision that day ‘I want to give up on him’, I feel different and enlightened. Although after that I feel that I still don’t want to give up on him, but I no longer feel the negative emotion as before. I think the difference is that, this time I no longer want to change who I am (or degrade myself) in order to impress him. I can do what I like and still workon who I am, while looking forward to be together with him. That feels more freedom and embrace my authenticity.

Nah, I don’t care about his relationship status tbh, (Because the only thing that I fear is how other says me, other than that nothing could really lost) in case he is a playboy or anything, that’s not my responsibility too. (Even myself also thinking about finding pleasure from other people else lo).

Yeah, so that’s all. I think if remove all the fear that comes from how other sees me. I really don’t fear if turns out my manifestation fails. So just continue contemplate and manifest because day dreaming is enjoying too.

Universe, let me see the magic.


Alyssa Written by: