My date send me lovey dovey sticker, he said he want to hug me. I teased him with flirty rejection but I think it’s okay too, and I still chat with him.
The dating app decision really change me. Today I go brought some make up accesories and shoe for the first time. From external, it seems like I care about my date so much. Although I still miss <> so much. I now realised that I am able to separate the heart and what I say/did. I think that this is the meaning ‘和不爱的人在一起‘
I did not have this plan before for seeking out a date, but out of sudden some idea strike me. I decided that when that time I can act like I’m drunk and I text him. Let’s see how it turns out. I will use the dating as a chance to confess to him. I know it’s so cunning, but this is the real me. There is a lot of things awakening within me.
The whole day I really missed him. And this is the first time I didn’t deny my feeling, and let it flow. I don’t know, when I made that decision out of sudden I feel bitter sweet, not sadness, but excitement and a feeling like something is digging my heart, but the sense feels so sentimental and soft. This is something I never feel for years, not when I crush on JY. Because for JY is more on a ‘sad/direct biterness/dissapointment’, but this one, it feels like a wine. Addicted.
It grows stronger.
I have nothing to lose. I had already have so much moment where I think I dont have change, and I still able to dissociate it. Because what I really care is not to ‘own’ him. I want to let go and let him fly, see him grow.
Finally I regain my ability to feel.
