For the whole day is guessing, doubting and analyzing my confidence. I keep looking at my face, and compare it with before. Before this my face seems bony and with thinner skin, probably at that time I spent a lot of time gym and also because of my food composition.
Although I think that I look prettier now because I have a better skin and my face have smoother lines, but it makes me fall into the cycle of thinking I am lazy therefore it accumulate fat on my face, and I can’t accept this eventhough it just means I comparing with me myself. I even look at the video on how to estimate my attractiveness, and besides that I still comparing my level of attractiveness with him.
But suddenly I ask myself since the world is only me, and it’s impossible(0%) to access to how others feel, why did I care. And in fact my attractiveness is already above average and it’s pretty well, why did I still want to aim for the highiest/perfect beauty. I even be really picky with everyone and judge them if they are below the perfect beauty. And also, ask myself, did he really that attractive or is it my own ‘filter’ because I like him? I still remembered when year 1 I met him, I don’t really describe him as ‘attractive’ or ‘charming’ myself although everyone claim him as attractive. So, why did I being so judgmental in an unresourceful way on myself. Instead, I recognize myself as the beauty standard (at least in this world that I recognized) and maximize it, would it be better?
***
For my career and goal, I had reevaluate my financial plan for next 2 years. Since now I am clear that I don’t want to study at Italy. I plan to use 2 years to pay my loan. Besides that showly build up my influence (the main focus is not to earn money, but my influence and personal identity). I will take on a full time job to support my my loan.
I want to try out Attraction Design industry.
What I aim in the end isn’t coaching, but still about creating and storytelling. I once get lost in the thoughts of ‘coaching can let you earn money fast’, but then his reminder reminds me that a sustainable business is about the intention, the mission and vision in mind. Seems that I had forgot about it and now it’s time to put the money a side, and really be honest on myself of what I want to create. Therefore when I get really in love on what I doing(despite of money), that’s the moment I really get the return (money, reputation, status)
I had an idea to start nanowrimo, and get started to write some contemporary story(romance? Because I wish to tap into my emotional side again, romance is what the once keeps me excited in writing). And another thing that bothers me a lot is, I had promised myself to complete Gus’s story. But I feel that his story have no point and I don’t feel any emotional impulse to finish it. It’s not calling to my soul.
Since I can keep writing journal for these 21 days, why can’t I keep writing novel? I wonder what is the reason, I need to find out…
***
And I decide to keep manifesting him. I had watch a video with a reading, I feel it resonate a lot, I decide to take it as a sign. I had sees a lot of sign recently, they keep showing up. It doesn’t matter what is the truth, because I could only access to only my world, everything that I can perceive is the truth in my reality.
Besides that I will keep dating other people. This have a lot of benefits for manifesting him, but I know that I will always keep the end results in mind — I decide in the future he would at least tell me back he liked me (that is the minimal end result I will get). I trust my intuition, just let it work.
Since it’s impossible to access how other’s feel (I mean we could tap into their world, the most we can is through feedback, but we can never have idea of how others really feel. Even I don’t know whether does other people exists), therefore manipulation isn’t possible. Because what defines manipulation is that when there is 1% of unwilingness within that person and they can feel it’s the outer source that makes them to change. But since manifestation is totally their thoughts and we actually could just change the energy field instead of forcing the thoughts in them, this isn’t manipulation.
