Day 3: Material Queen

Well, it’s really how my life theme sounds like — the juxtaposition cross of mood. Today have not much about inspiration, but more about questioning myself and my confident had a bit shaky.

Well, about my status, how I package myself and project myself into this world. In short, the outer look. In the morning I have a talk with my mother and this slowly transition into the discussion about how I fashioned myself.

Around afternoon I had come across <> IG story about he is the model of a certain fashion shooting. This makes me a bit un confident again, at least he have some status outside, some influence. At least he can stand out the street and claim that he is somebody.

Well, I think what I anxious about is not about how we dress ourself, ‘dress’ is not the issue, but it’s about the status and social influential, and how we suits in this modern society. I had been always proud of what I have inside, the inner beauty, my sophisticated insights about the different system of how the world works. my insight about humanity, and some studies. Now suddenly, I hate this part of me. Since the moment I getting to know him more, sometimes I think that maybe what he looking for is the inner world (perhaps it is). But when the moment I saw his IG story, I still feel disappointment for a bit, something triggered. I know it comes within me, where I critics myself again. For not actually have some tangible things that I could be proud of.

Even after watching the movie “Devil Wears Prada’, I still disagree of the MC choices in the end. If I am her, I would choose to stay in that high status world. With a lot of bags, dress, shoes. I know these items is not what brings us happiness, but the feeling of being seen and recognized by influential people is the source of happiness.

Most of all, I get a lot of anchoring in the movies when Miranda/Emily accused of how she dress. This overlaps with how he pick at my flipflops(well, it’s actually just a funny conversation if we look at it at another perspective). But, you know, I did not get enough with myself. I know I shouldn’t react with these bad anchors, but I just know this is a sign I still unsatisfied with myself.

Later I also read the comic ‘True Beauty’, still get a lot of negative anchoring at past. A past that I couldn’t release, my past in my middle school, where there is the dirt I still feel bad about myself. BTW I barely remember <> during middle school, how can he recognize me in middle school?

Okay the point is, not much about the face (because my face had already born with great feature). Just that I really wish I can be more look like the ‘Prada’. Sometimes I still think I need change 180 to become someone that is really socialized, care about the looks, fashion, and updated with this society.

I am still very care about the looks. Call me the greedy or material queen. I don’t care. “Everyone wants this type of life.” As Miranda says. Yes, this time I realized that is me.

I don’t know, perhaps also not about how I dress myself of socialize. I believe I am capable to getting know other people or networking. I can play the game. And although these contradicted with my introvert ´╝łor INFJ personality), I willing to play the money game, the multibilllion game.

But now, I think what drags me down feeling bad is, I still don’t have something to actually taking out, that is tangible to play the game with. So I feel a bit angry about myself. I am not a good designer, yet I always said myself I want to be a set designer/production designer (alright what I want in the end stills, get famous because movie industry could get you famous). but what I doing now had zero progress with these, and coaching? Hey who am I? I am just someone that visiting client around and saying wanting to transform their life, all these works are more on internal, I can’t even said myself influential at international level! This year is the year where I am most frustrated and hate about my introversion, and the year where I hope I am not an INFJ but something more extroverted. Yet why did he always claiming he is an INFJ, like so proudly? Dear you are not! Sometimes I wonder did he really think being in introvert is so great, seem she can’t understand our struggle at all! I hope I can be him.

The frustrated of being someone that (Introverted Intuitives) interested with all the theory, writings, but not any tangible creation makes me feels like a nerdy. I don;t know what fascinated about my quality? Just like the movie, where Andy tell Miranda her resume where she is capable for all the writing and journalist, all her accomplishment, all of these doesn’t make sense for the fashion industry. Well, I know, I am comparing. Let me just be the devil here. I rather be competitive rather than loser.

(Please just let me empty out here. And my unconscious mind will slowly release and my life stills goes on. More good things happen on me. What did I type here today will not be the suggestion.)

Yet today I had no any inspiration too. just a full day of self criticizing, and more and more think I should be like Andy, the one that “I had no choice’ but venture into the real, material, money world. Will this 21 days really a recharge period for me, so that I get to burst a huge impact when I be back after 21 days? At that time, will I suddenly come up with some thing that is no longer only impressive at the mental level, but it also impressive in the tangible world?

I wonder…

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