Day 23: I eNVy yoU


I never jealous of anyone, I mean, I can’t even admit to myself I am jealous. It’s hard to talk out. I am the last person that should jealous of you. I am your best friend, I am also a person that used to have crush on you, and moreover, I am the last person within your friends circle that should jealous of you.

I am so lucky compare with others. I get to go on the path that people said impossible. I get a lot of rare opportunity.

Although there still isn’t a tangible things that is attached to me that I am successful. But I already am. I have so much about me, I should not jealous. And the most, you are really treating us as your best friend. You tried to help us at your best effort, you share what you have.

I’m feeling that I’m being tearing apart. It’s so unfair. Why! “I CAN’T love you. But I CAN”T hate you too.”

I’m just at the start of my route. Just a few days before I feeling like I am at the top of the world. Enjoying my own recognition, even getting myself loving myself. I think that this is what called fulfillment. I painting my puzzle from the pieces of my dreams. I said, “this is a great game’. It’s feels so good by cloecting the puzzle. And there’s something I could do everyday. To stack every pieces into a big picture.

I think this picture is so big. And I finally get what I called success. Then I realized it’s just my childish self claiming. I am nothing. I am just pretending. I did not do anything impressive besides of just a bunch of words or saying that is too ambitious. If you ripped me up, you’ll found that I’m empty inside.

It’s not fair. WHY am I so hard to forget someone. Or so hard to love someone. I thought that I am loveless. Few days before I still hapilly ring-on myself and said that I am someone that don’t like anyone. But then I reaching a hard smack at my back, it cut me through.

The ugly truth tell me this — you are not loveless, you are a love sticker. You stick to love and you’ll glued to it. Until when the moment something happen as a sword, and it either pierce, cut or stabbed on that part of me that glued to love. I’ll eventually free from loving anyone with the open flesh on my skin, blood dripping with the full trail of carpet–red carpet. As I’m smiling glory in front of anyone else with that Oscar award posture, admiring by everyone about my pretentious mask. I know, because people think I’m always the most cool girl they know, someone that will fight alone, slay the sky alone, and enjoy the glory alone.

Now I really desperately wish I am really an aromatic. I don’t have romantic feelings. I don’t love, I don’t have emotions on anyone, including YOU. I HATE that I can’t hate you. I hate that even the feeling of hate is so much of a mixture of the bitterness instead of pure fiery fate. I need a pure dark green ENVY, instead of the mixture of beige orange, with a small hue of blue, but it’s being stirred into an uncomprehend texture like a spoiled latte.

I want to throw me under the cliff, just as now I’m just start climbing the narrow road towards the mountain. I am just at the mountain leg. Well, not low enough, so perhaps I can throw myself to the ocean, that located 1000m below where I stand?

I’m immerse myself in dark. Whow, the dark seems soo comfortable to me. I having the poison, the venon taste better than the mixture of cloudy muddy water of beige orange juice.

Is this a gift for me? Is this a drug for me? Why at this moment?

If it’s a drug, can it feed me? Let me being poisoned to a state that I would lose myself. Let it be I can lose my mind and forget of everything, including my love and care for you. Let the venom dilute the orange beige and replace it with pure dark green. And afterwards I am just a poisoned monster, a cold blooded snake, that will only fight and attack everyone else.

Will this drug feed me so that I will just thrive for everything I want, fame, success. I will forgot about the softer side of humanity, and stoned everything like the medusa. And go for my own.

Sorry, I really don’t want this. Sometimes I do wish I am a loving human. But If you made me someone that so hard to love someone, if you made me someone that tend to glued to love. Then, why did you made me can’t LOVE someone?

I just want to leave. Please. But I myself refuse to go.

I know I’m poisoning myself with addictive thought now. But just for one moment now, Leave me alone!


Alyssa Written by: