I think I do not lack of time. Instead, I the only thing I lack of is a passion to do something.
Yes, still haven’t find the urge to really create/write/work on something. Today I decided to work on the novella ‘The Quest of Truth’ for the side story of Gus, but I did not find the momentum.
Am I really driven by suffering, as my meta program? Since before whenever I want to write something, is because I feel there is a lack of something in my life and by writing could help me express. To immerse with the imaginary world.
Well, in terms of writing, I do not means just ‘write’, I can just write. Just pile up a tons of words just like this. But I think the issue is all of these are mostly Ad(Auditory digital), but I couldn’t write something touching as before. I lost my part of K(feeling).
The title of this journal named piece by piece because, I feel that I finally picking something up, stacking up some important information for what I had been asking for, but still, they are still pieces. Yet to complete. Now I lack the most important part. The soul.
Am I losing my ability to feel? Why does I could write the emotions so easily when I was at my middle school, but now, struggle to even feel?
I think the only thing I really need to get better in this is really commit in the work. I am a writer, a storyteller, although currently writing sounds like something distant to me. As I feel like I lost the ability to writes touching stories, I need to write. Because of all these past work, when I re-read then, still amazed me. I believe my innate talent won’t die, ever.
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Besides that regarding my self-confident. Today I came across <> IG and saw he posted something about learning courses online. Which is, what I think I will be doing(learning) and perhaps posting on IG story. But recently I feel more and more inferior of what I doing, for everything that I do, I question myself. I think it is not cool at all and hide myself for it.
But the funny thing is, when I find out he are doing (perhaps not him doing but at least that’s something existed in his IR, at least associated) I found these things become cool. again. What is the point I feel inferior before. Same as any other thing that I feel uncool of myself. Writing, posting self-development things, attending courses, posting something nerdy etc. Why did I started to feel these things are uneasy? However in fact when I find him doing something similar, I no longer feel the same.
Sometime I feel that <> had become my belief system, where I judge everything I do with what he do. And that makes me underserving my worth. Ironically it’s not anyone that doing this, even he is not the person that makes me feel this way, it’s my own low self- esteem made up this toxicity on myself.
Meanwhile I also read the comic ‘True Beauty’, and also watched a movie review about someone that had trauma in her childhood being called ugly, turns out her whole belief system thinking she is unworthy(ugly) of everything. Feeling more and more resonated with the protagonist. She also someone that have a low self-esteem and unable to see herself with how others perceive her. She think everything about her is undeserving, even have some IR distortion with how wonderful she is. I think this is also the same case as me.
I think these are the sign the universe are telling me to really look at what’s happening.
Am I really that low quality as I think? Perhaps the feeling of I am nothing is just an illusion? Maybe… I am wayyy better than how I think?
When is the day, today or tomorrow, is the time I started be really proud of everything I am, and let the diamond shine with full confident?
