Continue from day 8: I planned to write those letters the next day, but my subconscious mind know what I actually need better than me. When I am at the middle of awake and fall asleep, suddenly I have an idea to ‘meet’ my secondary school crush (JY). Crushing on him is the one that makes a huge impact on me and my self-confident. Although he is not as handsome as my latest crush, but he is my type. And he is really justice and sometimes heroic. Most importantly why did he impact me so much because I always feels there is something I still unwilling to let go.
So I met him in my visualization, we met with how we look like exactly during our middle school. I am at my 16 age, and he is 15. I always avoid to look at my 16 years old, but this time I willing to let my 16 age to appear. It feels really teary when I looked at both of us, so nostalgic. *I skipped the detail of what I told him*
Oh, and since it’s to deal with ‘crushes’. I saw my latest crush <> stood behind us, waiting for us to finish the conversation, I don’t know why did my subconscious mind do such setting. But I have some funny feeling it’s like the the knight(latest crush) witnessing the departure of the princess and her important person. I dunno, I just feel safe when he’s watching behind, like he is coming to take care of me (literally, no other meaning) and make sure I’m alright.
I always thought the reason I always feel sad and grief is because JY didn’t like me back, and that I feel really pity and angry because I feels like the universe is playing me. But then, there is a moment where I really burst into tears, I couldn’t help but just crying so badly. It’s the moment when the conversation is ended, and JY need to ‘pass’ me to <>. He said ‘我把我这个最好的朋友交给你了啦，你也要好好对她哦。“ I cried, because then I realized I lose my best friend.
***
I’m working part time during the day time. This time since I decided not to waste time on my crush, there are a lot of mixed feeling througout the day. I feel excited with my future, feel no longer bother with whether what he will think when I post my latest post, but I still feel sometimes a bit sad, it’s like a different type of salad mixed together feeling. But my biggest breakthrough is：I will finally acknowledge my feeling towards <> is a legit feeling,我终于会对自己承认说 ’我喜欢XXX’，而且我会接受这份暗恋是允许被我自己记录的‘。’Crushing’ is a type of emotion that allowed to be exist inside me, and if there is one day someone asked, it is something that can be talk out.
