Day 22: Asexual 🟪🟫⬜️🟫🟪

Instant relief. After I discover the A+ thing.

I think the biggest thing that bothers me since the last few months is about my relationship status. I always feels that I am just immature or late bloomers (thanks for the same experience from the novel “Loveless’, I finally found what that feeling means). And that kept me dreaded, thinking that I need to really get into a ‘conventional girlfriend abd boyfriend relationship to experienced full life. Not that I was hurt and need to heal actually (this is what I thought before this), and to become sucess I need to access every quadrant of my life — which is to experienced love to go further.

To some degree I feel that I am not working hard, because I seems to be the one that pushing them off all the time. I had a few opportunity to get invollved in a relationship if I wanted (and now I doupt it’s about my appearance — even a grab uncle feel impossible if I don’t have a boyfriend, that means actually I can just attract people just by my looks), so I always feel I am self-sabotage myself when it comes to relationship (and my ‘I am a coach’ ego made me feel I need to overcome this because there might be something in the past that I need to solve).

But the fact is that, this morning when I go back to my past and reevaluate my so called ‘crushes+guy friends+those that seems to be interested in me’, I seems to have a realllly powerful radar that always alert me [hey this person might later want to be with you, you better careful] and I immediately turn off. Until when I’m at older years, there are a few guys that I get irritated with them without reason — just because they seem to get close to me and that closeness is a bit different (not sure whether that the case on their side, but well, sometimes the radar is too effective and it might misjudge — it doesn’t matter). And until Uni age, as there are more and more guys that are approaching me intentionally because they are single or anything, I get the feeling of offended and I turn away. Because in the end, the society expects them to be commited and perhaps in the sex things (if not at that time but that is what will happen in the end), so my Asexual nature comes out to help me.

And I know it’s a decision, but I feel relief and feel my world expanded by making this decision. I feel good by making this decision. And this makes me perceive myself even more potentially can be attractive then I am now.

Thanks for my UM, she always know what truly for me. And seems I had been conditioned by the society of ‘you will eventually find The One in your life’ I keep thinking this is incomplete. I kept crushing on people that actually I subconsciously don’t want to commit on, then realised that is just the feeling of being with them that I looking for. However, most guy ended up wanting me to be their gf that’s why when my sensitive UM detect the radar, I feel fear and immediately run off. I think by discovering this grey ace will make me stop questioning confused the feeling of afraid/shy about guys, to realising i just ‘don’t want’ to have those relationship with guys (and yeah, maybe that is not their intention, but my UM is just trying to protect me because that stills their I can differentiate what is friendly and what is attracted, and I feel safe on those guys that only trying to be friend with me (so before this I ended up confusing this feeling of confortable as ‘likes’ them, which in fact not at all). I just crave the romantic fictions with them, but not about them.

Social pressure and I feel instant relief:

All stress is gone. No pressure that the end I need to be commited, and I will no longer fear of guys or feeling pressure around them. And knowing myself to become a partner(sexually/romantically) is not what I looking for. So for this, I can just be friends with them with ease, knowing that I just looking for emotional and the romantic feeling from them (I’m grey romantic for opposite sex).
In fact, after I expanded my logical level of thinking, everything make sense.
If there is only love is true, then it would be in everywhere and every form(it’s not something we can comprehend and labels or make decisions consciously with our mind).
But them we learn about ‘love'(the love that is conventional, the gf/bf and eventually lead to the marriage;law pursuits form), that’s a conscious process. And what if the ‘learning of love’ is based on setting boundary and labels about love, it’s rely on the society and what we taught(we can’t learn about something that is not taught). Then that is not the ultimate truth. I keep thinking that there is only one form of true love,but that’s the conscious process. I am already having it in the most comfortable ways.
What if, LGBTQ is the truth and the ‘love’ is just labels? What if this is how we naturally born and love is already within us. And the fun process is not to ‘be in love’ but to play with love with your customised way? I finally feel like this is a new world.

There are no true form of relationship, we just 各取所需

I love MYSELF more:

I looked at the mirror, something changed. My bare face, I never love her so much as before. I recalled that pretty, sexy face, and how she dressed before when when she dating guys, no latter how hot, how sweet is she, I still feel a sense of disgust. But now, the girl in the mirror that claimed herself as asexual, I totally fall in love with her. This face, this body, that is adorable and is made to be with girls(if necessary). Only her personality and emotion will drawn towards guys. Both of the facet, perfect.
It’s like slip into a cushioned, soft,perfect mold. I’m home.

This makes me love my body, allow me to look not only fits in the society standard(no longer objectify myself to male) And if I kind of feel dry, I can either DIY or look for female(fwd) because compare with male, this is more tolerable and enjoyable to watch. Since it’s sexual attraction, Now I dress for female. And means that is also dress for myself, this feels more homey.

This face, belongs to a girl that more prefer in fucking girls instead of being fucked by guys.


Alyssa Written by: