Day 16: Lost (temporary) and loser.

Well, my first time being rejected after a confession. Now I still feel unbelievable I could doing Btw, it’s a big breakthrough. Think of it, I had experience the most unbelieveable and embarrased confession and being rejected. For me, my尊严 is the most important thing and it killing me if it is being destroyed. And my issue with love life always is the fear of rejection, and I never confess or dare to 女追男 before, this causes me only attracts those that I don’t like but I never get who that I like.

I am crushing on him for almost 1 year. And I am really thankful of a lot of changes/learning/improvement that I had during this time (start to taking care of appearance, having consistent style is crucial in society, networking and how to be success etc.), but after all the projects had completed, it still limiting me for my goals and career choices. That’s why my subconscious mind urge me to make this ‘damaging’ move–to confess. It might hurt for a little bit but this lost is for greater return, because I can finally be freedom again. And glad that since he is gay, this way is better to rebuild back our friendship. Confirming that he 100% have no interest in girl had made me don’t feel like everything will be watch (even if in future if he really change his orientation, I am not interested in him anymore hahaha…).

Well, now time to let go of all the promises that I made to all my friends/followers/teacher/ or even my coach. I just want to let go of everything and start from scratch. Now, no one actually cares. And it’s the great time to have some revolution on my path. I can break my promise, even let everyone thinking ‘hey does Alyssa said that she want to be something something before?” Hey I don’t care anymore!

Well, it’s like now I left everyone (of course I won’t start my IG from scratch). Just that at this time I don’t need to feel I have the responsibility to , because the only person that I always pay attention about, currently I don’t need to care anymore. And for others, I really don’t have the feeling of need to please them. This is exactly what I wished before ‘I hope to dump everyone and just start everything. Like I am being

And as every stages of life, I will change and evolve. Sometimes I am afraid that my transformation is too drastic and might scared people off. But now it’s the best moment, I am free! Maybe this is how my life trajectory will looks like(4/1 profile). No one is permanent, and I will ‘touch and go’, and left the traits that is useful, but for me, I move on and no one could ever hold on me.

And I realised that what makes me sad actually isn’t about the rejection of my confession, it is just lost(temporary) of friendship. Now think of it, I can just be my true self(even show 直女的那一面)that makes me comfortable, and he as a guy won’t treat me like some alpha male that try to dominates me, which is really supportive. Now just sees him as a sibling (maybe twin brother?) and that is the true meaning of having a guy friend.

After recall his interaction with me before and think that these are all friendly reaction, yeah I really feel nothing special. In fact I don’t feel any sorrow about losing someone I like. Maybe that is really just a ‘friendship crush’ and it’s okay. It is just part of a learning process, to let me learn more about what does love actually looks like. Since I have no experience in these kind of thing, to trip and fell in this 狼狈 (and in front of my best friend) is way safer than if in future I really met someone I really in love and being rejected. At that time it’s really embarrased,

Of course, I might take sometime to avoid anything about him (to detach some of my habit such as– checking on his IG, replying his message, think about how to show more care to him, align what I had said to him before about my future goal, trying to impress him through my social media, try not to style according to his 审美 etc.). So I might be away from having interaction with him first (or even ELVA group) to avoid any awkwardness. In fact my case will be different from how he hate maggie or ruoxuan, because they

But I really value our friendship and ELVA group and I believe in future we can still work together (多个朋友多个资源),and 4 of us can also support each other no matter how far or how unrelated industry we go. So maybe after I go through some cool down and isolation, I will drop him a friendly message (this time I can really talk like a bro, no need 修饰anymore!)

Currently what most important is to deal with the self judgement and feeling shame (as the results of confession). My self-critic had raises to the roof top, my biggest hatred is being called as foolish. I say to myself you are so naive and innocent, even can’t differentiate what is love. But hey, actually this is a good thing right? There is so much thing to learn in love life, and since you never get rejected before, and it’s great to be rejected by a gay rather than a straight (because in this case I might question ‘am I less attractive than another girl — of course, self esteem is anothing thing I need to work on). But guess what, I know this confession will bring the greatest momentum of transformation for me this year, I might already change a lot during February, but this time, I feel the change will be the biggest. Internal emotional stability, communication, and love life. External — it’s okay to wanting to ‘edit’ your appearance (make up) in order to attract others and establish my characteristics from looks.

Note of self-judgement: Allow yourself to feel being judged, allow the feeling out, just flow through and go. It is just because I don’t feel comfortable. Overtime it will slowly fade.

Of course, what I feel sad or lonely about is I am still single now. Because I don’t have any close friend so that I rely on him. I always used to think that romantic intimacy and close friend is same, so that I always ends up crushing on friend. So, I do need both close friend and romantic partner. Now I finally claim that I want to be in serious relationship, so that I can work on it. And really look at what does I want. And now my 审美and criteria might be different, because previously it might be more or less effected by him.

But now, I can imagine my ‘the one’ is waiting of me. Before this I had conceal myself for wanting to seek for relationship or pretend myself a cool girl for all the time (because fear of rejection). But now, I already tried being rejected and I know how it looks like, I don’t have fear now.

So, welcome back bubbly Ven Yan (Alyssa), and let’s embrace your Pisces side.


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