Day 17: Bestie

Think of my experience of confessing for the first time to my gay friend (previously I stated ‘crush’ and now ‘Bestie’) it stills feel incredible. Even more incredible is, I thought we will become awkward afterwards, but now I feel more comfortable texting him. I don’t need to type and delete, don’t need to ‘play cool’ for need to wait for a few minutes to reply, or being anxious if he just seen my message but never reply, because that is all what friends do. We will reply if we want, and we are still friends no matter how stupid your friend say.

And I got my first bestie!!!

Within this day I had gone through a lot of ‘first time’ things in my life — confess my feeling, facing rejection, resolve conflict/awkwardness, share my thoughts like a girl(girls talk), have a Bestie.

If this is a drama, I know it will be really plot twist, ‘Crush to Bestie?’ mind blowing, ‘confessing feelings and lead to having girls talk’ all happen on the same person? you’ve got Oscar best screenwriting award.

I don’t know what is the reason behind this beautiful resolution, and I had changed drastically. i don’t know the reason is because actually I didn’t crush on him at all, or I am really good at changing my thoughts. Anyway, great job for handling everything.

I’m glad that I made this mindless move because this actually lead to (although not romantic outcome) what I always longing for — connection. Then I realized this is what I actually seeking for, a really close friendship that allow me to talk out everything.

What I had been romanticizing on him for over 1 years, is rewarding in an overall way. Before this I thought that we will just ended up like my previous crush, I never confessed my feeling and he just slowly fade away, even left me in mists. But for this my Bestie, this time I am able to break the pattern of my limiting belief ‘all of my crush will ended up fading out of my life and left me guessing incomplete’. And I believe don’t feel afraid of confessing again to those that I like in future. (P.S. and now I will have someone to discuss with if any guy capture my interest).

This leads me to rethink what actually I was looking out from a romantic relationship? I always look for those that looks like a close friend to be my romantic partner. I always believe that it could only be this way. But the truth is that I never have a closefriend before and I also struggling to have someone to talk to. I want to be like the other girls that have ‘girls talk’ also some mental support’, and since I afraid with girls, I assumed being in a relationship is easier for me to have intimacy with someone and also getting the romantic feeling all at the same time. This lead me to almost always crushing on my best friend (guys)rather than other potential partner.

So, now I can make this partition, have a best close friend, and now for romantic interest, he could be someone I met or date for about less than few months (don’t make it too long, or else it will turn into friends). Well, let’s make this dating realm sexy and no longer think it in previous old school way(someone need to really know me for years before we are partners). Now I’m adults and I ready to venture into the dating world, feel some lust and attraction. It would be fun. So tomorrow probably I will talk time to figured out what I want in my partner. Remember, partner not friends.

Anything that happen stills feel unreal. I am incredible.


Alyssa Written by: