It’s been awhile. Well so some update from me. As I think I should complete this series of journal to day 27. For me the number 27 is a perfect number, it would be great if I round this number off.
So, I married myself. happily married ever after.
During these time, despite the fact of all the heartbroken and isolation, and to another extreme of casual dating and deciding this is not something for me. I going through a phase of self-reflection.
The discovery of I am in fact an Demirom Ace (perhaps Aromatic?) sets me free. I don;t care whether it’s true, this identity feels like my home. I’m ready to embrace it. To be frankly, even the idea of
To be more precise, I enjoy watching love stories in movie, not all love stories, but those that embodies passion and heartbreak, sorrow, melancholy, and in essence, platonic. Which again make sense because of my incarnation line of Juxtaposition cross of Moods. The movie and media exposure is the framework for me that is shaping what we believe. But here’s come the question, am I really looking forward it?
Apparently it isn’t, I had at least a few chances to actually get into one if I want, but almost all of the time I
The attraction and feeling of having a love interest, is the driving force for me to pursue something. I still remember during primary school, because
The meaning of ‘crush’, for me it have an entirely different meaning that unsuits with what we normally perceive. For me, my crush serve more like a legend, the way of how I in love with some character. I want to look at them succeed and grow and witnessing their charm, in real-life, the difference is that I am able to interacts with them, even have some short term of intimacy — but it is never an intention maintain such a close relationship for too ling, let it hoping them to be my lifelong partner.
I learnt the idea of romance in movie. in fact a few of my favourite movie since childhood is because their love story. But do I really romantically into those that I admired? I doubt the answer. Having to stay with the to the rest of my life really daunts me, I DON”T LOOKING FORWARD for these things.
The idea marrying myself didn’t emerge at first. In fact this ideas is something I accidentally discovered. At that time I just feel really lost. My life had been ‘nah’, not too bad but also couldn’t considered satisfied. I just feel something is lost. Losing the love interest to admire really makes my life boring, I enjoy these feeling of yearning, guessing and the mysterious when at that moment I admire someone. I know it’s a phase, I would later developed some love interest in future — but currently at the mean time where do I find it?
So I starts journaling on my book, using subconscious mind. Just wanna to empty out my thought. I had written a lot of things. I didn’t remember most of them. And then at the last part of my mindless scribbble, I saw Alyssa write something. “Marry me, Alyssa.”
This reminds me the day before this, where I came across a content about Emma Watson. Her idea of ‘Self-partnered’. She had been always so inspiring. Anyway, Emma Watson, Yifei Liu, Elsa(Frozen), Alita, there are a few that I think would be my celebrity crush.
Say, if I could develop some form of ‘celebrity crush’ on these figure. If I could optimize the useful of having a crush to help me move forward, slay the day and jump highier, eventually achieving something impressive. I can too have this to myself.
Yet I know I still enjoy having crush on others, maybe not in the current but perhaps in the future. So this is my realization (as stated in my writing when my subconscious trying to communicate with me): “Let those love interests appeared in the future, but at an extend, they are just some affair, my true lover, is myself. “
Here is it. This is the journey of me discovering my Demiron Ace identity. We’ve made through day 27, a perfect number. Now let me wrap this whole series up with this favorite humorous quote:
“Roses are red, violets are blue;
I’m sweet, but it has nothing to do with you.”
Alyssa
